| WILL HAY|
"The New Boy"
Will Hay 1888-1949, Solidly-built, light-haired British music-hall comedian.
His chief character, the disreputable (and frequently incompetent) figure
of tatty authority, was built up of coughs, grunts and snuffles, plus a
pair of pince-nez and a shifty look, and perfected on stage before he launched
it on film to provide a series of unparalleled comedy classics, often in
partnership with cherubic Graham Moffatt and doddery Moore Marriott.
From His Stage Show of The Late 20's
You could imagine the cast as follow
HEADMASTER: Will Hay
BOY: Graham Moffatt
OLD MAN: Moore Marriott
STREET SCENE. BOY ENTERS FROM LEFT, CROSSES STAGE AS THOUGH GOING DOWN
A STREET, MEETS A MAN COMING THE OTHER WAY. AS THEY PASS, THE HEADMASTER,
IN MUFTI, CALLS HIM BACK.
HEADMASTER: Hey, boy... Where are you going?
BOY: I'm going to school.
HEADMASTER: Bit late aren't you? You should have been there half
an hour ago.
BOY: I haven't found it yet.
HEADMASTER: Found what?
BOY: The school.
HEADMASTER: What, has someone moved it?
BOY: I've never been there before.
HEADMASTER: A boy of your age never been to school before....
BOY: Not this one.
HEADMASTER: Which one?
BOY: The one I'm going to.
HEADMASTER: Which one are you going to?
BOY: St. Michael's.
HEADMASTER: Oh, that's a good school. You'll have a good time there.
BOY: I don't think I shell.
HEADMASTER: Oh? Why not?
BOY: The headmaster's a mingy old beast.
HEADMASTER: (SNIFFS): Who said so?
BOY: One of the boys told me.
HEADMASTER: One of which boys?
BOY: St. Michael's boys. Wait till I get there too. He'd better
not come any funny stuff with me.
HEADMASTER: What do you mean by funny stuff?
BOY: Rough stuff. He'd better not bully me.
HEADMASTER: Why not?
BOY: I'll spread him all over the school. If he knew what's in store
for him he'd skidaddle.
HEADMASTER: If you're talking slang I don't understand you.
BOY: Clear out.
HEADMASTER: Oh, bunk...
BOY: I'll show him how many beans make five.
HEADMASTER: Why - doesn't he know?
BOY: Whether he knows or not I'll show him.
HEADMASTER: (SNIFFS): I'm going that way. I'll walk along with you.
LIGHT DIM AND GO UP ON SCHOOLROOM, DESK, CHAIRS, BLACKBOARD AND EASEL.
HEADMASTER ENTERS, TAKES OFF HIS COAT, PUTS ON GOWN AND MORTARBOARD.
HEADMASTER: Welcome to St. Michael's I'm the mingy old beast........(WALLOPS
THE NEW BOY WITH HIS HAND. BOY FALLS OFF CHAIR.).......So you're going
to spread him all over the school .......(WALLOPS HIM AGAIN).... Now you're
here we'll have your name.
HEADMASTER: I suppose you full name is Thomas.
BOY: My name is Tom - T - O - M.
HEADMASTER: Oh, What's your second name?
HEADMASTER: Yes, What?
BOY: That's right.
HEADMASTER: What's right?
HEADMASTER: Yes what?
BOY: That's right .
HEADMASTER: Now don't start all over again . What's you second name?
BOY: Yes . Watt, that's my name . . .
AN OLD MAN ENTERS LEFT, DODDERING, SIT ON A STOOL.
OLD MAN: I'm 'ere .
HEADMASTER GLANCES VAGUELY TOWARDS HIM TURNS TO BOY, DOES A DOUBLE-TAKE.
HEADMASTER:(TO BOY): Does this belong to you?
BOY: Nothing to do with me.
OLD MAN: I've come to school.
HEADMASTER:(DISDAINFULLY): You want the infants. Where have you
been all there year?
OLD MAN: Been working on the railway.
HEADMASTER: Were you a sleeper?
OLD MAN: I was tapping the wheels.
HEADMASTER: Slapping what?
OLD MAN: No, tapping wheels with an 'ammer.
HEADMASTER: Emma? Who's She
OLD MAN: Hammer.
HEADMASTER: Oh, you've been working on the railway tapping wheels
OLD MAN: Yes, for seventy-five years.
HEADMASTER: Been on tap all that time, have you? (TURNS TO BOY .
) I've seen
them do that. (TO OLD MAN. ) Why do you tap the wheels?
OLD MAN: En? Oh, dear, I don't know.
HEADMASTER: (TO BOY): Would you believe it? He doesn't know why.
BOY: Well, do you know why?
HEADMASTER: Of course I do - to see if they're cracked .
BOY: Oh, no they don't. It's to see if they're sound.
HEADMASTER:(SNIFFS): Oh, do they? (WALLOPS BOY.) What's your name?
OLD MAN: Jimmy Harbottle.
HEADMASTER: Bluebottle? Where do you live?
OLD MAN: That's right .
OLD MAN: Yes.
HEADMASTER: What do you mean, yes? Where do you live?
OLD MAN: Ware, that's in Hertfordshire.
HEADMASTER: Where in Hertfordshire?
OLD MAN: On the left .
HEADMASTER: Going in or coming out? . . . We'll take Scripture .
What are the chief mountain ranges of the world?
BOY: What have mountain go to do with it?
HEADMASTER: You've heard of Mount Ararat, haven't you?
OLD MAN: I have.
HEADMASTER: You would. You ought to know who made it.
OLD MAN: I like it.
OLD MAN: I like it.
HEADMASTER: Like what ?
OLD MAN: Arrowroot.
HEADMASTER: Arrowroot isn't a mountain .
BOY: Then what is it?
HEADMASTER: It's a sort of . . . well, it's like celery .
BOY: What is?
OLD MAN: Rhubarb.
HEADMASTER: Who's talking about rhubarb? I never mentioned rhubarb.
BOY: That reminds me. At my last school the teacher was telling
us about Noah.
HEADMASTER: Noah what?
BOY: Noahing nothing. But not what the mice do.
HEADMASTER: Than why mention it?
BOY: I've got to.
OLD MAN: I've got three.
HEADMASTER: Three what?
OLD MAN: Three mice.
HEADMASTER: You keep out of this... Let's get this straight. You
say your teacher was telling you about Noah, not what the mice do, you've
go two, he's got three. Where in heaven's sake are we?
HE THROWS DOWN HIS MORTAR-BOARD IN DISGUST. THE OLD MAN BENDS TO PICK
HEADMASTER: Not you. You'd never get back. Where were we?
BOY: I'm talking about the fellow who built the ark.
HEADMASTER: You mean Noah.
BOY: Yes, well, who was his wife?
HEADMASTER: Who was who's wife?
BOY: Noah's wife.
OLD MAN: I know.
HEADMASTER: You ought to... You tell him then.
OLD MAN: Joan of Arc.
HEADMASTER: Idiot... That was lot's wife. . .
THE HEADMASTER GOES TO THE BLACKBOARD, STARTS WIPING IT CLEAN. BOY TAKES
A PIN FROM HIS JACKET BENDS IT AND PUTS IT ON THE HEADMASTER'S CHAIR. HEADMASTER
GOES TO SIT DOWN; RISES.
HEADMASTER: Remember this. Always do unto others as others do
HE SITS, JUMPS UP ? WHACK... WHACK... WHACK...
CURTAIN COME DOWN ON BOY AND OLD MAN BEING WALLOPED.